40 Easter Bunnies more terrifying than a crucified man coming back from the dead.
After I give them their eggs, I am taking them back to my planet with me. As hard as shopping malls try to make “going to see the Easter Bunny” a thing, it’s never quite caught on like visiting Santa Claus. Maybe that’s because Christmas is a magical celebration of materialistic greed and gluttony while the closest thing to “fun” about Easter is showing off your new pair of church slacks — or maybe it’s because every Easter Bunny costume is a walking nightmare of soul-scarring horror. Here are some examples of why the image of a bleeding, emaciated guy on a cross rising from the grave is somehow not the most traumatizing thing about this holiday. His eyes fell off so he had to replace them with a hand full of red jelly beans. They look even scarier alone. What do they think about? Do they think only in screams? Did it just die? Get the kid, he’s on a dead bunny! It’s uncomfortable that the Easter Bunny sits like our Dad on a hot day. The kid’s crying because that’s just a Chuck E. Cheez animatronic bass player come to life. This bunny’s name is Hopalong Junkpouch. Something tells me it’s not the bunny that’s chocolate-filled after this picture. “Prisoner 49581, please submit yourself to The Bunny. Prisoner 49581 to The Bunny.” They say when you look into its eyes you can see Hell itself. We once saw a crazy anime movie where this exact bunny looked about 5% trippier. Well, that’s a big old pile of this-shouldn’t-be-happening. That thumbs up makes us much more afraid of the kid in this photo. Easter is the one day a year that Grandpa’s bunny suit looked slightly less crazy. That’s no bunny… that’s a giant sentient Peep. We’ve got to microwave it from orbit. “Have you ever seen the inside of a windowless van?” This bunny is so terrifying the top half of his face is trying to escape the bottom half. This costume was apparently designed via a blind person describing a rabbit to a deaf person. Bunnies love shoulder meat. He always keeps a spare. Unable to wriggle free, the child grimly accepts his fate. For children who prefer their six-foot rabbits more nightmarishly realistic. This Easter Bunny has a face that says “I can’t believe someone handed me a child either.” We’re actually not sure if this is an Easter Bunny or a mascot for a fiberglass insulation company. Behold, the expressionless face of an unrepentant monster. Posted 4/4/12: “If I’m going to deliver your Easter basket I’m going to need that alarm code.” “Mr. Easter Bunny why is the carrot so slippery?” “I skipped the mask because I thought it looked a little creepy.” “Could you take this child, please? I’m late for a bank robbery.” This is the kind of picture you send along with a ransom note. His Easter eggs are filled with roofies. Already eyeing his next victim. Donnie Darko’s baby pictures. Those are actually just whiskers. His mouth is the part that’s salivating over the dog he’s about to swallow whole. The reason he looks so sad is because she’s going to be hard to catch on those Rollerblades. He’s been sitting like that for 28 minutes. You can have her, just please stop looking at us like that. “See? People in hoodies are dangerous.” - Geraldo Rivera Pretty sure we saw this one in the opening credits of American Horror Story.
Via Happy Place
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